April 4, 2007

I have been writing emails regarding Diana’s progress in her fight against lung cancer since she was diagnosed almost 2 1/2 years ago. My emails have provided not only updates on tests taken, doctor visits, treatment options, medicines and test results, but the emails have been written expressing the emotional feelings of both Diana and I at the time of my writing. Not that I wanted to include our emotions but they just got expressed as I wrote the emails.

I am having lots of difficulty writing this email. I have no new tests or test results to report nor are any new tests scheduled for the near future.

Hospice is now sending its nurses to see Diana twice per week. We now have an oxygen machine, oxygen tanks, wheel chair and a walker as equipment in our house. It is a very sad sight to walk around the house and see these items.

The past 3 weeks have been a very different emotional time in our lives. I feel like we have been on a very fast roller coaster ride for the past couple of years. We have had many emotional highs and some emotional lows. Where I find us now is that there is not much new to describe to you – much like you feel when the roller coaster car that you are riding in is gliding to a stop.

Diana is still getting 2 acupuncture treatments each week at MD Anderson and seeing Dr. Liu ( Chinese Doctor herbalist ) once per week. We (Diana’s Mom & I) are brewing the herbal teas daily. The herbs being used are changed weekly and given to us by Dr. Liu (Chinese Doctor). Diana is taking a cold herbal tea twice per day (morning and bedtime) and hot herbal tea twice per day (mid morning and mid afternoon). She is also taking some herbal capsules 2X per day.

Diana’s Acupuncturist at MD Anderson – Dr. Garcia – is unbelievable. She is treating Diana as one of her own. I am in communication with her several times per week via email or cell phone. She sent me an email last Friday around 3 PM asking me a question. I hadn’t checked my email Friday afternoon and at 4:15 my cell phone rang. It was Dr. Garcia – she told me it was getting late on Friday and since she hadn’t received an email reply from me so she was calling. Dr. Garcia is mainly in research at MD Anderson. MD Anderson has a full time acupuncturist. However, the full time acupuncturist had broken her wrist and Dr. Garcia was covering for her when we first started to look into acupuncture. Well, the full time acupuncturist is now back to work at MD Anderson. However, Dr. Garcia is going to continue to treat Diana. We are making special appointments directly with her each week. She is great and Diana really likes her. I really feel blessed to have Doctors such as her looking after Diana.

Diana is very weak and in lots of pain. Her pain patch which is changed every 3 days has been increased from 25 to 50 mg. She needs assistance getting up and down from bed. She is barely able to walk with assistance from the bed to the bathroom. Her weight is down to 107 pounds and she is not eating very well. We are feeding all of her meals in bed and it is a tough task to get her to eat more than a bite or two of any food that we prepare.

I am giving Diana a daily shower and dressing her on the days we have to leave the house. Else she just wears her PJs – which we change a couple of times per day. I went out and found some easy on/off comfortable cotton tee shirts and pants that she wears as her PJs. She perspires quite a bit and we usually will change her shirt a couple of times during each night. Can you believe it – I never thought I would ever see the day that Diana would let ME – yes ME -buy clothes for her. Our shower has a tiled bench seat inside and I have installed a shower head on the end of a long flex hose – so I can give her a nice shower while she is sitting in the shower. i now take 2 showers per day – my normal one first thing each morning and secondly when i give Diana her shower later in the day.

The car rides to and from the clinic are very difficult and painful on Diana. She feels every bump in the road in her bones. It is a very tough trip for her. Houston roads are not quite as bad as those in New England but they are much rougher than the Dallas area.

For the past month or two – Diana has had no feeling in her lower lip/jaw. All of her liquid consumption is through a straw. Dr. B attributed the problem to some nerve damage when Diana had radiation treatment. Well, now Diana is losing the mobility of her right arm. Once it is stretched out or hanging at her side, she cannot lift it at the shoulder or bend it al the elbow. Again – talking to the Dr, B – there is nothing that can be done. We are exercising the arm and joints daily. She can still squeeze her fingers. We are giving the arm much exercise therapy each day. And Dr. Garcia works acupuncture on the arm every visit.

We are both still committed to fighting this disease. There are times when it doesn’t appear as if we are winning or even have a chance of winning. It is not an easy task to continue to fight, but we are proceeding forward and continuing the fight the best we can. We have not given up or lost hope. Diana is not giving up. We have her next acupuncture scheduled for Friday afternoon, April 6.

Needless to say – but we need your prayers more than ever and we appreciate your support.

 

April 5, 2007

We woke up this morning and fed Diana a soft boiled egg with orange juice. Diana’s Mom wanted to go grocery shopping. There is a huge HEB Store about 1 mile from our house. So at 10:30 I told Diana I was going to drop her Mother off at the grocery store. I came back home in about 10 minutes. Once she finished shopping, Mom would call me to pick her up. In the meantime I tried to give Diana her 10:30 AM tea. For some reason, she did not want to drink it. I tried for a little while to get her to drink it with no success. I stopped trying at that time. No need to upset Diana any more than I already had. In my mind, I would just give it to her at a later time.

Around 11:30, Diana;s Mom called and told me she was ready for me to pick her up. I went in to the bedroom and told Diana I was leaving to get her mother. When I arrived back to the house after getting Mom, Diana was breathing heavily and had some shortness of breath. I was not able to communicate verbally with her. I connected her to the oxygen machine. After about 30 min on oxygen she talked to me a little.

In the meantime I called the Hospice nurse to report on what happened. Hospice dispatched 24 hour nurse coverage starting this afternoon. They also delivered a hospital bed which was set up next to our bed in our bedroom. By 2:30 PM, two of the nurses lifted and moved Diana to the hospital bed. Diana is now sleeping in the hospital bed.

I have been with Diana all afternoon and she has lost her ability to speak. I can make eye contact with her and she is somewhat aware of what is occurring around her. She can no longer sit, stand or move. I put my finger in her hand – asked her to squeeze it and she did. So she can still hear and understand me. All I have been doing is standing by her bedside, my finger in her hand and telling her how much I love her. I asked her for a kiss. Diana worked hard to pucker her lips a little – I leaned over and she gave me a kiss best she could. Her eyes smiled at me as I drew away. About 6 PM tonight, Diana closed her eyes and is resting peacefully.

This change in her condition has happened very suddenly. Looking back, the signs have been there for a couple of weeks. I did not want to accept what the signs were telling me.

The only good thing I can say today is that Diana is not in lots of pain while she is laying in the hospital bed. The nurses have told me it is now only a matter of time. I did not want to hear those words. Obviously the nurses have been through this situation before. I appreciate all that they are doing for Diana. But…this should not be happening.

 

April 6, 2007

I have had no communications with Diana since late Thursday afternoon. I called Diana’s brother Thursday night to make him aware of what had happened. David and his wife were planning to drive to our house – departing Wichita KS Friday afternoon and arriving late Saturday. They were planning on spending Easter week with us. Based upon my phone call, they were going to try to leave earlier.

Thursday night, I laid on the couch in our family room. The nurses have taken over the bedroom. I would lay in a manner that I could see Diana resting in the hospital bed. Every time, the nurse went to Diana’s bedside to check on her, I would go into the room. Diana would be lying there peacefully with no motion.

Friday I spent the day standing next to her bed. To see the one you love, just lying in the bed and you know what the end result will be, is very sad. The nurses were asking me if I had made funeral arrangements yet. Why would I do that? I don’t want Diana to die. That is not something I want to do. It was so hard. Every time that I would start to cry I would leave the room. I think I spent more time out of the bedroom than in it. I had no visible communication indications from Diana all day. Although the nurses said that hearing is the last sense to go and Diana may still be hearing me as I told her how much I loved her.

Later that morning, I did call a friend in Frisco. She has lived in Frisco all of her life and knows everyone in town – or used to when it was small. Today the population of Frisco is approximately 100,000. It was only 2,000 when Diana and I moved there 17 years ago. I had decided that I would not have any funeral services in Houston but have them in Frisco. So I called a funeral home in Frisco and made tentative arrangements with them. Diana wants to be cremated. It was a call I never wanted to make. Diana was still in my bedroom – but it was inevitable and had to be done.

Diana’s brother and his wife arrived at midnight. We all spent about an hour at Diana’s bed side before they went to bed. I went back to the couch and just continued to look at Diana. Even though I had had 2 1/2 years to prepare for this date, I was not prepared.

April 7, 2007

When I wrote my most recent update email to you on April 4 i mentioned I felt that Diana & I were on a roller coaster ride that was gliding to a stop. I didn’t realize that the brakes would be slammed on.

Diana passed away this morning – Saturday April 7, 2007 at 9:30 AM. She was in no pain and passed away peacefully. It happened at our house and Diana’s Mom Mary, Diana’s brother David and his wife Pam and I were present. It is a gray, cold, dismal overcast rainy day in Houston today.

Final funeral arrangements are being made at this time. There will be a visitation and church service next week in Frisco, TX Details will follow in a subsequent email.

Please no flowers or gifts to our house or the funeral home. A Memorial Fund for the benefit of Lung Cancer Research has been established at MD Anderson, Houston TX in Diana’s name. Details will be in the next email.

In the meantime – if you need or want to contact us – here are the telephone numbers to reach me, Diana’s Mom Mary or Diana’s brother David.

April 8, 2007

Thanks to all who have contacted us via email or telephone. We really appreciate your support in our time of deep sadness. I am in the process of finalizing details for next week’s schedule of events in Diana’s honor. However in the interest of assisting with your schedules, here is what has tentatively been planned.

Diana will be cremated at a Frisco, TX Funeral home. However, there will be no service or visitation at the funeral home. I woke up early this morning and said to myself – why would I have the visitation at the funeral home. Diana is being cremated. There will be no viewing of the body. My thoughts moved to I could do it a hotel. Nicer environment. Finally, I said why not Stonebriar Country Club. We were members there for 16 years, it was like home for Diana and I. But then I thought – would Stonebriar want to host the visitation?

After much internal deliberation, I placed a call to Stonebriar at 9:30 AM. It was Easter Sunday and one of their busiest days. I received the voice message for the manager and left my message. He had worked at the club for about 12 years and was a good friend. His wife had breast cancer 7 years ago and we often spoke about the perils of cancer when Diana and I were still in Frisco. About an hour later, I received a return phone call from Stonebriar – not only could we have a visitation there but they wanted to be involved in any manner they could. Since it was Easter and there were very busy, they asked if would call back on Monday and finalize details. They did not know what rooms were available, but rest assured they would find a place even if someone else’s function had to be moved. I was so happy that we would not have to have the visitation in a dreary funeral home. I think Diana will be pleased.

Therefore, Diana’s Family and I will have a visitation reception for family and friends at Stonebriar Country Club, Frisco TX on Thursday, April 12, from 3:00 PM until 8:00 PM. We will have pictures of Diana on display and would like to share your memories of Diana with you at that time.

On Friday April 13 – there will be a Memorial service at 10:00 AM For Diana at:

Lighthouse Christian Fellowship 4255 Pioneer Trail Prosper TX 75078

You all are invited to both events. All times and locations are tentative at this time since it is Easter weekend. I do not expect any changes but will send a final updated email schedule Monday afternoon after all times and locations have been finalized.

As I mentioned previously – please no flowers or gifts . A donation honoring the memorial of Diana Grace may be made to The University of Texas M D Anderson Cancer Center. All donations will be used for the research of Lung Cancer at M D Anderson.

To make a donation: Mail a check to: Put “In Memory of Diane Grace” in the memo section of the check and mail to: M. D. Anderson Cancer Center P.O. Box 4486 Houston, TX 77210-4486

OR

Credit Card Donation Call 713-792-3450 or 1-800-525-5841 – mention Diana Grace when making the donation

or go on line at

http://www.mdanderson.org/gifts

In the meantime – if you need or want to contact us – here are the telephone numbers to reach me, Diana’s Mom Mary or Diana’s brother David.

April 9, 2007

All times and locations have been confirmed and here is the updated information.

Diana will be cremated at a Frisco, TX Funeral home, however, there will be no service or visitation at that location.

Diana’s Family and I will have a visitation reception for family and friends at Stonebriar Country Club,Frisco TX on Thursday, April 12, from 3:00 PM until 8:00 PM. We will have pictures of Diana on display and would like to share our memories of Diana with your memories of Diana with you at that time.

There was an error in the church address in my prior email and it is corrected in this one. the street address is Prosper Trail not Pioneer Trail – Sorry (Thanks Angie)

On Friday April 13 – there will be a Memorial service at 10:00 AM For Diana at:

Lighthouse Christian Fellowship 4255 Prosper Trail Prosper TX 75078

There will be food snacks available after the Church Memorial Service in the fellowship hall for all attendees. Please plan to join us after the Memorial Service.

Directions to the church:

North on Preston Road to Hwy 380 East (right) on Hwy 380 to Custer North (left) on Custer to Prosper Trail West (left) on Prosper Trail and the Church is on the right (north) side of the road.

Or here is a link to Mapquest for the church location

As I mentioned previously – please no flowers or gifts . A donation honoring the memorial of Diana Grace may be made to The University of Texas M D Anderson Cancer Center. All donations will be used for the research of Lung Cancer at M D Anderson.

To make a donation: Mail a check to:

M. D. Anderson Cancer Center P.O. Box 4486 Houston, TX 77210-4486

Make the check payable to M D Anderson Cancer Center and Put “In Memory of Diane Grace” in the memo section of the check.

OR

Credit Card Donation Call 713-792-3450 or 1-800-525-5841 – mention Diana Grace when making the donation

or go on line at

http://www.mdanderson.org/gifts

In the meantime – if you need or want to contact us – here are the telephone numbers to reach me, Diana’s Mom Mary or Diana’s brother David.

 

April 15, 2007

I drove to Frisco on Wednesday April 11. My son was flying in from Massachusetts and I was to meet him at the airport. Thursday morning, I had a meeting at the funeral home to settle the matter. The funeral home would deliver Diana’s ashes to Stonebriar prior to 3 PM for the visitation. Diana’s brother drove up Thursday morning arriving in time for the visitation. He brought Diana’s Mom with him.

The visitation went fantastically well. Several friends flew in from various parts the uS unexpectedly. I had the opportunity to visit with over 100 friends and family. Stonebriar did a fantastic job. They had set up one of their meeting rooms with chairs and couches. They had snacks and drinks at one end of the room. Kevin (my son) and I had dropped off Diana’s pictures earlier and Stonebriar placed all of the pictures in the room. We had three 2′ X 4′ cork boards filled with pictures of Diana sequentially arranged from her early years to the last 2 1/2 years (when she had cancer). Stonebriar even ordered flowers for the occasion to decorate the room. It was really more than I expected and I was truly appreciative. We started to receive guests at 3 Pm and I did not leave until 9:30 PM. Yes I was exhausted – but what great memories I shared that day. I am so happy that I made the call to Stonebriar. I have been to many wakes in my life – however, this was an exceptional event for me that I will always remember.

On Friday the church service was held. Lots of attendees including many who had not come to the visitation. The service was so nice. The preacher had quizzed me on Diana’s likes, dislikes and events in her life. From that he made and unbelievable sermon. Yes, I cried my eyes out. After the service, there was food for all in the church hall. Lots of people stayed and we just chatted.

On Friday afternoon, I took my son to the airport for his trip home. I went back to the hotel and crashed The emotional stress of the past two days just caught up with me.

Saturday morning I picked up Diana’s Mom at a friend of hers’ house where she stayed and we drove back to Katy.

Although there will be no more emails from me about Diana, I have already decided to develop a web site and blog for Cancer Caregivers in honor of Diana. I feel as if I have lots of information to share with other patients and cancer caregivers that I will be able to communicate via the blog. Stay tuned, I will notify when I bring the web site and blog live. It will probably take some time – my mind’s creative ability is not back to functioning yet. As soon as the web site and blog are completed, you will hear from me.

It is going to be lonely. It was eerie yesterday to come back to an empty house. I will survive and hope to help others with my experience in the memory of Diana. Thanks and I will be back to you in a short time.

This is the end of Diary Of A Cancer Caregiver journey